I sometimes don't know what to do with my life. I wake up in the morning, go to work, go home tired, go out with my friends when I have the chance. I drink when I got the chance. I splurge when there's a chance.

There's something missing.

naaaa.. I'm just bored.

I'm not a bitch. but I killed you in my head so many times.

I'm not very hard to deal with. In fact, it's me who is having a hard time relating to other people. Maybe it's me being passive and negative and somehow perfectionist nature that makes people intimidated by my presence. (I am making no sense here) If you get to know me, I'm a generally happy person who loves to talk and tell stories about my life on how messed up my love life is. In short, I'm nice. really.

But there's one thing that pisses me off. You may call it a pet peeve. Basta, it is something I really hate and would ruin my day even if you give me Finestra's Veal Cutlet Milanese. You know what that is? As shallow as it may get... I hate dumb people. You would like them anyway? People who do not use their brain. Not even half of it. People who asks questions not even bothering if it's even a right question. I know... I know... It's not bad to ask questions. Why would you even ask something you already know? Common Sense. That's something people around these days don't use. I can forgive Filipino drivers who do not use their signal lights when turning... (But really, that pisses me off too)

Alright enough.

Today was a god/bad/fine/fucked up/alright day for me. I'm hanging on.

Okay.. I have to call the boyfriend now.

Can't Stop. Won't Stop.

I know it sounds crazy but I feel like I'm Bella from the Twilight books. I told you it's crazy.

I'm in the verge of taking the car keys and go out. I'm having a mental struggle. I don't know what to do.

I am so confuse.

I'M SMOKE FREE and I'm 24!

Celebrated my 24th birthday yesterday. I'm still here in California staying with my boyfriend and his family. It's been two months. We planned to go to downtown San Francisco. I planned to go thrifting but I started to have a bad case of sniffles. It was prolly because I got caught in the rain the other day and some symptoms of Nicotine Withdrawal. (that's right, I stopped smoking days ago.)

I woke up feeling really heavy. So there goes our trip to the north. Stayed in the bed until lunch time and headed to the South to Santa Cruz. T'was a very simple day. I don't want to make a fuss anyway. I didn't bother to have some friends and invited them for a drink to death party. I am way over that. And that what makes me really old huh?

Come to think of it, I am old. Old enough to make decisions with my life. I know I am but why am I scared? I'm in the other side of the planet and I'm afraid to tell my parents that I'm not going back anymore. (not yet.) I'm afraid to tell them that I'm planning to stay with Jeff. I'm afraid that they will get a ticket and go straight to the US and make me go home. (I had my share of those moments back in Highschool) I'm afraid that they would get mad at me and be disappointed. I don't want to do it again. I know there's no other way, I can't go back home and be away from him again. I mean, we're already together. I just don't know how to tell them. But I really have to right?

ugh. I'm having my quarter life crisis. It's not even a week after my birthday!

First of May.

I don't know if i'm doing the right thing. I wish I am. i am about to do something really really hard. i know I'm not doing this alone because he's with me. But come to think of it, I've never been away from my parents for so long. it's been a month. My father is expecting me to go home by the end of this month. But I know that will never happen. I may have to stay here for the next six months. and once i am allowed to go, I will go home. I have to apologize. I really don't want to do this to them. but for Jeff, it's the only way for us to be together. It's just we don't want to wait for another year.

to tell you frankly, i'm scared. really scared. I'm thinking that we're not ready for this change. we may be physically and emotionally ready. but financially, I don't think we're not. would it matter? I know it does. 

I just hope he pass his exams. so he can get a regular job. that way, he can save money. he'll be able to support me for the mean time since i don't have a job yet. but when I get myself a good job, that's a different story. :) 

that's it for now. 

Sigh.

Been staying here for a month now. I'm not really sure how long I'm staying here. If the plans push through, I'll be home ASAP. I miss home actually. I miss work, I miss my friends, my family. I can always go out to the mall whenever I wanted to. Here, I have to ask the boyfriend to drive me to the nearest Wal-mart store just to get shampoo. And that sari-sari store near my house where I can get cigarette by the stick.

Life here is really different. Maybe I'm just homesick. I'm not used to being alone in the house every afternoon. The house is dead quiet in the midday. you have to cook your own meals if you're hungry. you do you're own laundry, you have to clean after yourself. you're on your own when you're in the US.

i really miss home.

so what's up? currently having a vacation. i'm jobless, almost out of money but I'm fine. The father sent me a hefty amount of money not for me but to get things for him and the family. They're not aware that I'm not going home with the stuffs though. I'll sent it via cargo. I wonder what will happen next.

mygahd. i am not in the mood. fuck that shit.

GRR.

I wish I can put into words how much I am pissed off today. Maybe it's my hormone kicking in. I'm expecting my period the next week.

I can't explain why but I'm very irritated with my passengers right now. I tried to explain but they just won't understand. Kahit ilang beses kong ulitin, parang wala akong sinabing sensible sa kanila. Sadya lang ba silang tanga o hindi ako marunong mag-explain?

I know I have to be patient in my line of work. I know I have to be heartless and be firm and consistent with my decisions... putangina lang.

stress.

i don't feel like going to work tomorrow.

I'm here in my room, it's dusk and I'm in a dilemma whether to do something productive or just lay here in my bed and do nothing. We just finished watching The Exorcist. Juvi called me up to tell me that I'm on a mid-shift at work tomorrow since she has to go to the agency tomorrow for her work in Singapore. I really feel happy for her. I mean come on, every one wants to work abroad. Sabi nga nila, mas may future tayo sa labas ng Pilipinas.

So I'm watching you on Facetime on mute.

I've been over thinking this past few days. Been making myself miserable because I miss him terribly. I think i'm growing tired of this long distance thing. That I want to do something other than to wait. I cannot wait any longer. I know I'm being a bitch for being so demanding. I know I'm not the only one who's having a hard time. But I don't care. This is what I feel. 

The deal was to wait for a year. It's been 5 months now. 

Patience Yeng! You can do this! 

On a rainy Tuesday.

It's really sad when someone's special tells you you're not listening when you've given so much effort to do so. I mean, come on, you wanted to be the perfect friend/lover/whatever you can put here and all he/she tells you is "fine, if you don't want to listen to me" 

Things will be a lot more easier if I'm 3 meters away so I can give that person a hug just to make him/her feel that I've been with him/her all along. But no, this distance suck. I can't do anything. All I have are words hoping he'll understand. That somehow he'll realize that yes, I'm just there.

Honestly, I never left. I always listened.

This is really it.

It has been decided. I'll be leaving on December. I won't even be around to celebrate Christmas with my family just like how I used to. I'll be packing my bags and head to a place I've longed for such a long time. At first it was exciting. But as the days pass, I grew anxious, nervous and I panic. Not because I don't want to go. I just don't have any idea of what's in store for me.

I know he'll be there to support and guide to my new life. But... but... I've never been so far away from my family for so long.

the heck. I'm just paranoid.

UGH.

Now I feel bad for not seeing Incubus last July. He's going to see them with his friends on October. They'll be playing on Sunnyvale on October 9th.

GADAMET.

nagiinarte lang ako.
dapat ako ang kasama niya e..

I hate surprises.

If you're gonna surprise me just don't tell me you're going to. I don't like the feeling all excited for something I don't know. I hate feeling all giddy for something I don't know what.

So I have to wait for 2 years for that surprise? Whut??!!

I hope it's a Tiffany. 

Second Day.

It was a disaster at work today. Flights to JFK got cancelled because of the Hurricane. JFK Airport is closed for God knows how long. Passengers going to NYC apeshitted on me. I tried to keep my cool. I swear, but sometimes you really have to give it to them.

*sigh* I'm really gonna get fired now.

I hope it's a different day tomorrow.

6,18

I'm here at the office. Thinking if I should be eating this ham and egg sandwich on my worktable.

I know I can't 'cause we're not alllowed to do it here. It's early in the morning and I still need sleep. Slept really late last night like around 1am. my work is at 6. Travel from my house to work is roughly 40 minutes. ugh. I feel so sleepy.

I miss my bed, my Hello Kitty pillow. (i should be eating right now) i don't feel so good. I think i'm getting a heart burn. Its too quiet all I hear is the sound of the printers and the big cooling thing in front of me. I'm waiting for something amazing to happen. like a day with no passengers. I hope no one goes here. I hope everything will be just fine. No offloaded, no expired tickets. everything going very smoothly.

I wish I can take the next flight to HKG and then SFO. I hope I don't have problems paying for it. I wish money is not the issue here. I hope that's easy. But its not.

*i wish I was filthy rich*

-this is me really bored.

On Career.

okay.

let me ramble about my job this time.

i work 5 days a week. 10 hours a day. We have 3 kinds of shift at work. i prefer the PM shift 'cause I get more time to sleep. I have 2 days of restday. enough for me to sleep and eat like a pig. Oh btw, I work at the airport. you know, those people you see there in uniforms. yes, i'm one of them.