Spark.

I still think of you. I wish I can tell you that. You've never been out of my thoughts since I left. I wish I could tell you how hard it is for me to leave without telling.

I wanna tell you everything and I want you to tell me what's going on to your head. You're really hard to figure out. You never told me anything. I don't know if I just imagine it, but I know you feel the same way to. but you never told me. never.

and you're just one of those "what could've been's"

You always tell yourself to stop.

...but you're always coming back for more.

you never stop until you get hurt. You never learn. Very impulsive. Can you just think before doing anything else for a change? It's not about you anymore. Things change. You're maybe enjoying now.. trust me, you're going to regret this. Just cut the crap and act like an adult. Not everything that makes you feel good is right for you.

please, just stop for now. and think. think what is it that you really want. you better do it now before someone gets hurt.

I just want you safe.

DRUNK POST.

It's around 9:30 in the evening. I'm drinking to force my body to sleep. I'm up for a week of morning shift  starting tomorrow. It's the last day of January. Tomorrow I'd have to wallow for the fact that my boyfriend's not gonna be here on V-day. But that's okay. If I can find someone to go out with. Of course I ain't doing that. 

I'm supposed to pass my resignation letter weeks ago but some of my colleagues at work is resigning as well, being a good employee, I decided to delay the parting not to make the transition difficult. (I know I'm not making any sense here.) 

There are time that I just want to go out of the city somewhere really far away... I just don't want to think. I want to clear my mind. I don't want to think of work, of how am I going to earn money to save up for my US trip, my not to long engagement with my boyfriend of one year and 4 months, my plans of living in another country. I just want to get out of all the stress. Oh how I wish I can do that. I just want to be with someone who's not going to be so judgmental. I want that person to listen. just listen. I don't need any opinions I know what to do. I know what I want in life. I just need someone. 

I don't have any problems. I just complicated things. that's what I'm good at. 

there. I've said everything. for now. 

Maybe life will be a little different if I haven't met you at all. That all of these will never exist... that I don't have to be confuse. I've got a lot of things going in my head. You screw things up and you're not even aware of it. I wish I could tell you everything. Maybe in another life. 

We'll always have this. 

This is for you.

I wish I could take away his pain. I wish I can make him smile again. But, i'm the reason why he's sad right now. I wanted to tell him how sorry I am. But I don't where to start. PUTANGINA naman kase. I wanted to explain to him why I'm being like this. Pero ako mismo sa sarili ko hindi ko alam kung paano. Mixed emotions.
Namimiss ko siya. Why does he have to live so far away? Pero hindi lang naman ako yung nahihirapan e. Siya din. alam ko yun. Pero yung pakiramdam na andito lang ako sa Pilipinas. naghihintay. minsan nakakasawa na. Parang lahat inaasa ko sa kanya. Ayoko naman ng ganun kase syempre gusto ko din siyang tulungan. Pero eto, wala naman akong magawa. I have to rely on him lang. I feel somehow helpless. I'm tired of being Lois Lane. I wanna be Superman for a change.

Wala namang problema kay Jeff eh. Ako mismo yung problema. I have nothing against him. He's all I ever wanted. He's perfect. Wala akong masasabing masama sa kanya. Lahat gagawin niya para sa'kin. That's why it pains me tuwing masasaktan ko siya.

Ano ba talagang problema? I don't know. That's why humingi ako ng time sa kanya just to think. Ayokong makita niya akong emotionally damaged. Ayokong makita na ganito ako. Minsan pakiramdam ko nagiisa lang ako. kapag hindi ko siya kausap, wala ako. na walang kwenta ang buhay kapag wala si jep. Gusto ko naman na magenjoy ako sa buhay ko kahit magkalayo kami. Dati naman kaya kong gawin yun. Feeling ko masyado kong pinapaikot yung mundo ko sa kanya that's why pakiramdam ko wala ng kwenta ang lahat kapag wala siya. Gusto kong magkaroon ako ng time sa sarili ko. na habang hindi kami magkasama, hinanda ko yung sarili ko. Pero hindi e. nasisiraan ako ng bait kase ang layo layo niya at hindi ko man lang siya mahawakan. Gusto ko pag nagkita kami, okay na ako.. buo na ang loob ko. Na kaya ko na ibigay sa kanya lahat ng hindi nagdadalawang isip.
So ngayon.. magiisip muna ako.

So I'm watching you on Facetime on mute.

I've been over thinking this past few days. Been making myself miserable because I miss him terribly. I think i'm growing tired of this long distance thing. That I want to do something other than to wait. I cannot wait any longer. I know I'm being a bitch for being so demanding. I know I'm not the only one who's having a hard time. But I don't care. This is what I feel. 

The deal was to wait for a year. It's been 5 months now. 

Patience Yeng! You can do this! 

I know I shouldn't hurry.

But I miss him. I can't wait to start another chapter. I can't wait to move from here to another place and have a new life. I'm excited to do new things, to meet new people, to have a new job, and I'm excited to be with him. 

This is me being impulsive. 

But believe me, I've never felt this sure my entire existence. I do have some doubts...sometimes. He knows that. I've been very often with my feelings. and it take some prying on his part. He knows I'm looking for the sense of security.  And there's  only one thing left to do. 

I guess I'll be staying here for the holidays. :( When I expected to have a white Christmas in NYC or somewhere. oh well, we always have next year. 

Wanderlust.

It's been a year since I got all excited for my US trip. I feel like I want to do it all over again. Maybe it's true that I have a lust for traveling. So much that I don't care how much money I got as long as I get to where I wanna be. Well actually, the only thing that stops me is my job and my salary. With the money I'm making, I won't be able to save for a plane ticket going to SFO.

He promised me a Europe trip once we get together. OMG OMG OMG. Paris. I've always wanted to go to Paris. Winter is the best time to go there. February. oh, yes. We both have a thing for travelling. another reason why we get along with each other. Though sometimes we fight because of road directions. but OMG OMG OMG. PARIS?!

This is really it.

It has been decided. I'll be leaving on December. I won't even be around to celebrate Christmas with my family just like how I used to. I'll be packing my bags and head to a place I've longed for such a long time. At first it was exciting. But as the days pass, I grew anxious, nervous and I panic. Not because I don't want to go. I just don't have any idea of what's in store for me.

I know he'll be there to support and guide to my new life. But... but... I've never been so far away from my family for so long.

the heck. I'm just paranoid.