Still holding on. :)

Ten more days. I'm pretty excited. :) Oh by the way, did I mention that he's my longest relationship? Well, isn't it obvious? (LOL) but seriously, he is. One year and eight months was the second longest. But enough about that! Let's talk about "the day".

We really don't have plans yet but I'm pretty sure we would end up drinking and chatting over FaceTime like we always do on special occasions. There not much to do. Maybe I'll just come up with something just for a change. I can check some LDR forums on the Internet just to give some ideas. Oh, I totally forgot. I was planning to send him a card. Maybe I'll just drop by the mall to get him something. Well, I wanted to give him something special. It's our second anniversary anyway. Maybe some of my lingerie? Err no.

I feel fine. The crying totally stopped. I still miss him and its just natural for me to feel that way. Good thing Apple came up with FaceTime. I hated how slow Skype is. Though we used Skype and Ymessenger before. I wonder how couple handled everything way back when there's no Internet or telephone yet? Do they exchange dirty talks on the mail? Wow. That would be very weird.

He's still sleeping. It's around eight in the morning. I should wake him up anytime soon. He needs to study.

Ganun nalang yon?

Huling araw ng buwan. Bukasm magbibilang na ako. ilang linggo nalang sasakyan na naman ako sa eroplano. mahabang biyahe pauwi. Dapat noon ko pa ginawa 'to e. yun lang hindi ko pa kaya. Hindi ko pa kayang magligpit ng mga damit ko. Nung mga panahong nasa Pilipinas pa ako at hindi pa kami magkasama, pinangako ko na yung araw na magkikita kami ulit, yun na yun. wala ng iwanan. Pero eto ako ngayon, sinusubukan kong pigilan ang oras.

Hindi ko mapigilan. kapag tinitignan ko siya, nasasaktan ako. Sa mga oras na ito, hindi ko din mapigilan mga luha ko. para akong tanga. Kung iisipin ko, ilang gabi nalang ba yung natitira bago ako umalis? Babalik na naman ako sa kwarto ko ng mag-isa, sa iPad ko na naman siya makikita. Hindi ko na naman siya mahahawakan, maamoy, kailangan ko pang maghintay ng ilang oras bago siya makita dahil sa magkaibang oras na naman kami. Magkalayo na naman. Nasasaktan ako sa tuwing titignan ko siya, Kumikirot yung puso sa tuwing naiisip ko yung araw na yun. Ang buong akala ko kase eto na e. Na hindi na kami magkakahiwalay, na wala ng iiyak, wala ng masasaktan, wala ng magpapaalam.

Sino ba ako para pigilan ang oras? kung pwede ko lang ibalik lahat sa gabing dumating ako dito. Malamig nung gabing yun. pagod na ako, inaantok. Kinakabahan. Makalipas ng walong buwan makikita ko narin siya ulit. Makalipas ng dalawang taon, nakabalik na naman ako sa America. Mahaba pa yung buhok niya nung nakita ko siya, nagulat pa nga ako kase ang laki ng tinaba niya. Iba siya sa nakita ko sa internet. Eto na siya, sa harap ko. Isa yun sa pinakamasayang araw sa buhay ko. Kaya nga nalulungkot ako ngayon e. Kase matatapos na yun.

Sabi niya, dapat maging malakas ako. Dapat hindi ako malungkot. Na saglit lang yung panahon na magkakahiwalay kami. Magiipon lang daw siya pagkatapos nun, kukunin na niya ako ulit, na siguro kapag sinuwerte, mga isang taon lang ang hihintayin namin. Naisip ko, maghiwalay man kami, walang magbabago. Hindi man kami magkasama, alam kong kami parin sa huli. Iisipin ko nalang na magbabakasyon ako tapos babalik din ako dito sa Amerika.

Putangina. Ang hirap. Sobrang hirap.

Twenty - Second.

If you try to count monthly, today is our 22nd month together. and my 4th month here. Next month will be the last. I know I shouldn't be getting sad, but every time that day comes close, I get a very very sad feeling. I really don't know what will I do without him. I mean, I got really used to with him around all the time.

sigh.

We may have petty fights all the time, he may annoy me most times, but I know I will miss every ounce of it. Do I really have to go? I love every inch of it. He may be fat, and crazy. But he's my fat and crazy.

I guess it's gonna be back to normal in a few days. It's gonna be hard once again. But I will try and I won't stop. I'll be strong. Wait for me, baby. When that time comes, I'll be yours... finally. :)

Baker Beach - San Francisco, California

Yesterday, the boyfriend and I planned to stay indoors thinking that we can clean his house just in time for the movie. He's a huge Batman fan. There was a time at a mall that we almost bought this $30 worth of DJ headphones and sweater. Good thing I only have $20 in my wallet and the sweater is for girls only. I kinda dig the hoodie though. Well, we almost started cleaning the house until my best friend which happened to be my boyfriend's sister planned an impromptu trip to San Francisco... to that beach where you can see the Golden Gate Bridge from a distance. Thinking that it's a good time hanging out with his family, we decided to tag along. Plus, I wanted to use Diana, My Lomo cam whose been hanging out with the dust in his drawer.

It was a Sunny day Sunday yesterday but I had to wear a jacket because it's so windy. I always wear a jacket since I got here. I get chilly easily, I had to sleep with a comforter every night. The weird thing here is when it's Summer, its really really hot. Not like Manila-hot. When the weather reaches 80 degrees, you don't  want to go outside. It suffocates you, you don't get sweaty at all, but it's really hot. It melts your brains. But when night time comes, it's very cold. very weird huh?

I'm really not sure why but I noticed that the water here in California is really cold. I wanted to take a dip but nevermind. It's ice cold. I wonder if its like that in Florida. Now I wanted to go back in Boracay.

Anyway, here's some of the pictures taken yesterday. Actually Jeff's planning to take me here before heading back to Manila. Now, I got what I wanted. :)

16th.

Yesterday was our 16th month. If you're counting year it'll not count. let me do this post anyways. I'm trying to put into words how much I feel for this guy. He still loves me more than I love him. Unfortunately, he's still crazy and a pain in the butt sometimes. But I adore him to bits. 

Yesterday was the same as always. We spent time online talking about anything and everything. I remember we talked about Lapu-Lapu and Magellan. That's one think I like about Us, we can talk and talk all day everyday and never get tired of each other. We talked about our plans in the future. Something we're not sure of. (heck, we need spontaneity here. that should give spice to everything)

It was a normal day but knowing that we're still together after all this time despite the distance, it was hella good. :) 

Bibi, Thank you. please don't get tired of me. 

love, 

Bibi gerl.  

I tried.

I want to make use of this time to tell how much you mean to me. I have to blame the weather. The rain reminded me of the two months you were here. The time we spend the day in your room listening to the rain talking about our plans for the next day. Made me wished that I was back to the time when I can still punch you when you're being your normal self, crazy.

I know I shouldn't hurry.

But I miss him. I can't wait to start another chapter. I can't wait to move from here to another place and have a new life. I'm excited to do new things, to meet new people, to have a new job, and I'm excited to be with him. 

This is me being impulsive. 

But believe me, I've never felt this sure my entire existence. I do have some doubts...sometimes. He knows that. I've been very often with my feelings. and it take some prying on his part. He knows I'm looking for the sense of security.  And there's  only one thing left to do. 

I guess I'll be staying here for the holidays. :( When I expected to have a white Christmas in NYC or somewhere. oh well, we always have next year. 

"I told you, I''m not that girl anymore."

It was a rough ride. I got kicked out of college, had a series of black outs because of alcohol. Had pseudo-relationship with several guys in a course of 3 years and another 2 after a year long relationship. Been to the wrong group of friends. got high with drugs and more alcohol. Sex was another thing. I cared less for school. all I want to do is have a good time. To forget my problems I swam in pool of beer and tequila. I was awesome for several months. It was a need after that.

Everything was going well after college until I met someone. 2 years alone, and someone tells me I'm really special, now that's something! I believed him and soon realized that it was all sugar-coated lies. I swallowed my pride and ignored them all... all because I "love" him. I was that stupid. I know. hahaha! to the extent of travelling thousands of miles.

And it was the end of it.

I think I'm not that stupid anymore.

I have to thank him for all of that. And hope he's not one of those guys. I have a good feeling he's not.

On a rainy Tuesday.

It's really sad when someone's special tells you you're not listening when you've given so much effort to do so. I mean, come on, you wanted to be the perfect friend/lover/whatever you can put here and all he/she tells you is "fine, if you don't want to listen to me" 

Things will be a lot more easier if I'm 3 meters away so I can give that person a hug just to make him/her feel that I've been with him/her all along. But no, this distance suck. I can't do anything. All I have are words hoping he'll understand. That somehow he'll realize that yes, I'm just there.

Honestly, I never left. I always listened.

Year One.

So we're celebrating our first year. I really can't say together.. but it's fine with me. I sent him a letter last week. It should be there by now. It's 8:30 PM in Manila. 5:30 AM in California. He was drunk with friends the other night. I wonder if he'll pick up my call. 


I'm very thankful. The moment I stepped out of his room, I know it'll never be the same again. The moment I realized that it's not just a "one-week-you'll-forget-me", I know my life will turn into something crazy, sappy and insane. But the heck.. at least I am happy. =) I'm very thankful he was able to put up with my insanity for 365(?) days. I still have no idea how he did that. I just hope he'll be the same for the next X number of days we are going to have. 

I miss you.

Turning a year in the next four days. too bad we can't spend like most couples do. Well, at least I'm sure I'm going to spend the remaining days with him. *sigh.

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 

First Anniversary.

It's on the 23rd and I still haven't decided what to give him.

I only have 2000 worth of saving and I'm really planning to give him something precious. But with that little amount of money, how can I possibly get him something close to precious?

I don't want to settle with handwritten letter 'cause I've been sending him letters since then. I want to make this special. ugh. Now I feel bad having a job that gives you less than 10k a month. He's not really expecting for something but I wanna surprise him.

fml.

On Love.

I was sure that I'm going to live alone with 8 cats. But he happened.

I get a really weird feeling when I look at him.

Every time I look deep into his eyes, I start to believe that fairy tales really do exist. That every silly dreams that I tried to forget is starting to happen. again. Very slowly. I didn't ask for it. I'm okay with the fact that I'm going to end up in a small bungalow house alone with my 8 cats in tow. (at least i'm rich. haha.) But still, he happened.

Hello.

This is me making use of my free time. In front of the computer. Thinking. trying to name these emotions.

I'm probably hungry. I had chicken for dinner. It's not enough. I should eat more.

Waiting for Him to wake up. 7:51AM in California. still early for someone who sleeps so late at night. I shouldn't wake Him. He needs sleep.

I'm telling you a story...

Sonnet 17

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

in which there is no I or you
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand
so intimate that when you fall asleep it is my eyes that close

-Pablo Neruda

I want to say...

may you never steal, lie or cheat.

But if you must steal...
...then steal away my sorrows.

And if you must lie...
...lie with me all the night of my life.

and if you must cheat...
...then please cheat death.

Because I could live a day without you.