Ganun nalang yon?

Huling araw ng buwan. Bukasm magbibilang na ako. ilang linggo nalang sasakyan na naman ako sa eroplano. mahabang biyahe pauwi. Dapat noon ko pa ginawa 'to e. yun lang hindi ko pa kaya. Hindi ko pa kayang magligpit ng mga damit ko. Nung mga panahong nasa Pilipinas pa ako at hindi pa kami magkasama, pinangako ko na yung araw na magkikita kami ulit, yun na yun. wala ng iwanan. Pero eto ako ngayon, sinusubukan kong pigilan ang oras.

Hindi ko mapigilan. kapag tinitignan ko siya, nasasaktan ako. Sa mga oras na ito, hindi ko din mapigilan mga luha ko. para akong tanga. Kung iisipin ko, ilang gabi nalang ba yung natitira bago ako umalis? Babalik na naman ako sa kwarto ko ng mag-isa, sa iPad ko na naman siya makikita. Hindi ko na naman siya mahahawakan, maamoy, kailangan ko pang maghintay ng ilang oras bago siya makita dahil sa magkaibang oras na naman kami. Magkalayo na naman. Nasasaktan ako sa tuwing titignan ko siya, Kumikirot yung puso sa tuwing naiisip ko yung araw na yun. Ang buong akala ko kase eto na e. Na hindi na kami magkakahiwalay, na wala ng iiyak, wala ng masasaktan, wala ng magpapaalam.

Sino ba ako para pigilan ang oras? kung pwede ko lang ibalik lahat sa gabing dumating ako dito. Malamig nung gabing yun. pagod na ako, inaantok. Kinakabahan. Makalipas ng walong buwan makikita ko narin siya ulit. Makalipas ng dalawang taon, nakabalik na naman ako sa America. Mahaba pa yung buhok niya nung nakita ko siya, nagulat pa nga ako kase ang laki ng tinaba niya. Iba siya sa nakita ko sa internet. Eto na siya, sa harap ko. Isa yun sa pinakamasayang araw sa buhay ko. Kaya nga nalulungkot ako ngayon e. Kase matatapos na yun.

Sabi niya, dapat maging malakas ako. Dapat hindi ako malungkot. Na saglit lang yung panahon na magkakahiwalay kami. Magiipon lang daw siya pagkatapos nun, kukunin na niya ako ulit, na siguro kapag sinuwerte, mga isang taon lang ang hihintayin namin. Naisip ko, maghiwalay man kami, walang magbabago. Hindi man kami magkasama, alam kong kami parin sa huli. Iisipin ko nalang na magbabakasyon ako tapos babalik din ako dito sa Amerika.

Putangina. Ang hirap. Sobrang hirap.

I'M SMOKE FREE and I'm 24!

Celebrated my 24th birthday yesterday. I'm still here in California staying with my boyfriend and his family. It's been two months. We planned to go to downtown San Francisco. I planned to go thrifting but I started to have a bad case of sniffles. It was prolly because I got caught in the rain the other day and some symptoms of Nicotine Withdrawal. (that's right, I stopped smoking days ago.)

I woke up feeling really heavy. So there goes our trip to the north. Stayed in the bed until lunch time and headed to the South to Santa Cruz. T'was a very simple day. I don't want to make a fuss anyway. I didn't bother to have some friends and invited them for a drink to death party. I am way over that. And that what makes me really old huh?

Come to think of it, I am old. Old enough to make decisions with my life. I know I am but why am I scared? I'm in the other side of the planet and I'm afraid to tell my parents that I'm not going back anymore. (not yet.) I'm afraid to tell them that I'm planning to stay with Jeff. I'm afraid that they will get a ticket and go straight to the US and make me go home. (I had my share of those moments back in Highschool) I'm afraid that they would get mad at me and be disappointed. I don't want to do it again. I know there's no other way, I can't go back home and be away from him again. I mean, we're already together. I just don't know how to tell them. But I really have to right?

ugh. I'm having my quarter life crisis. It's not even a week after my birthday!

I tried.

I want to make use of this time to tell how much you mean to me. I have to blame the weather. The rain reminded me of the two months you were here. The time we spend the day in your room listening to the rain talking about our plans for the next day. Made me wished that I was back to the time when I can still punch you when you're being your normal self, crazy.

On a rainy Tuesday.

It's really sad when someone's special tells you you're not listening when you've given so much effort to do so. I mean, come on, you wanted to be the perfect friend/lover/whatever you can put here and all he/she tells you is "fine, if you don't want to listen to me" 

Things will be a lot more easier if I'm 3 meters away so I can give that person a hug just to make him/her feel that I've been with him/her all along. But no, this distance suck. I can't do anything. All I have are words hoping he'll understand. That somehow he'll realize that yes, I'm just there.

Honestly, I never left. I always listened.